Often I hear people say some version of this: “Don’t be nice. Be kind.”
It gets said like it is deep wisdom. Like it is some advanced leadership philosophy. Like “nice” is weak, fake, soft, or naive, while “kind” is honest, strong, and clear.
I think that whole conversation has gone off the rails.
Too often, this is not about character. It is about semantics. It is people splitting hairs over the English language so they can justify behavior that is neither kind nor nice.
And honestly, I have seen this idea embraced most passionately by people who are not all that pleasant to be around.
Years ago, a businesswoman told me that my reputation was that I was “a nice guy,” and she said that like it was a warning. In her mind, that was not the reputation I should want. She believed being known as nice meant people would walk all over me. She thought I needed a sharper edge.
The irony was hard to miss.
Her reputation was not that she was kind. It was that she manipulated people, positioned herself at the expense of others, shaded the truth when it suited her, and treated people poorly. But she had a label for it. She would say, “I’m not nice. I’m kind.”
No, you are not.
You are not “kind” just because you are direct. You are not “kind” just because you do not sugarcoat things. And you definitely are not kind if people walk away from you feeling worse than when they walked in.
She is not the only one. I have watched leaders dress down employees in front of a room and then say they were “just being real.” I have seen people torch relationships and call it “tough love.” The language changes. The excuse is always the same: they just like being rough with people and found a way to dress it up.
We can redefine words all day long, but at some point outcomes matter.
Here is what I believe.
Being nice does not mean you lack boundaries. It does not mean you cannot make hard decisions. It does not mean you cannot negotiate, lead, compete, or win. It just means you do not have to be a jerk about it.
I know a lot of successful people. Some of them are wildly successful. They have built companies, led teams, made money, and earned influence. And you know what else they are?
They are nice.
They return calls. They treat assistants with respect. They do not humiliate people in meetings. They do not confuse arrogance with confidence. They do not leave a trail of damage behind them and call it leadership.
Somewhere along the way, too many people bought into the idea that success requires sharp elbows, a hard heart, and a willingness to steamroll other people. Then, if anyone questions the behavior, they hide behind a tidy little phrase about not being nice.
I am not buying it.
You can be honest and nice. You can be ambitious and nice. You can build a career, grow a company, and still be the person others are glad to see walk into the room.
I have built my whole career around a simple belief: all opportunities come from people. That does not mean every nice person automatically wins. It does mean that if people know you as fair, respectful, generous, and yes, nice, you will be surprised how often that comes back around.
At the end of my life, I am not going to care if people say, “He was effective,” or “He really knew how to maximize every advantage.”
If someone says to my children, “Your dad was a nice guy,” I will consider that a life well lived. That is the biggest victory I can imagine.
So call me nice.
I will take that reputation every time.
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Thom Singer, CSP, is a professional keynote speaker who talks about human connections in business, trust, “Human Interaction (H.I.)”, and the people side of business in an AI driven world. He is also the CEO at the Austin Technology Council.